Host perspectives

Comfortable spaces: on ‘using’ the space but not ‘owning’ it[i]

During the art-based workshop for this project, one of the first things that Elizabeth told us about hosting a family from Ukraine in their house was that it has been wonderful to have them around, and that ‘things have been working really well’. In great part, ‘things working well’ had to do with the ‘use of space’. Namely, according to Elizabeth ‘they [the family] have not owned the space, but they were not frightened to use the space…’.

Using the space, but not owning it felt like an apt description of what came up in one way or another in many conversations we had with people that welcomed families and individuals from Ukraine. It involved finding a delicate balance between when and how to be in the same household practically and, importantly, emotionally. Most people talked to us about how prior to registering for the scheme they considered the physical space and their capacity to ‘host’ in relation to it in a practical sense. For example, some of our research participants told us that for them it was crucial for their ‘guests’ to have their own bathroom, and sometimes even a space they could use for socialising if they wanted to, separately from them, the ‘hosts.’ Some talked about how they organised bedrooms so that everyone was comfortable. Some talked about the use of the kitchen, and how they tried to make it work so everyone was content. People also shared with us their own need for quiet times or spaces where they could enjoy reading, for example, and wanted to make sure they would be able to maintain those moments also when the people they welcomed into their home arrived.

However, it seems that most people we talked to were not able to anticipate the extent to which their experience of their own home would alter also in an emotional sense. As Julia, a retired drama therapist who has been hosting a young woman Polina, told us: ‘The meaning of your house changes. It is not so much the sanctuary as it once was. [adding while laughing] You know, it is more a working environment’. Julia shared that due to her professional background she felt more prepared and knew what to expect. That helped her navigate better the new household composition. At the time of our conversation, we asked her to draw how she ‘saw’ hospitality, and that which is opposite to hospitality (see image 1). As she was drawing, she was speaking:

Image 1

‘This is something like weaving the fabric of a relationship … there are spaces in the weaving. These spaces are individual lives [referring to the centre of the drawing and the spaces between the red lines]. She [Polina] is a young woman; and I’m an old woman. You know, we have talked about this, essentially before she came, if she could live with an old woman. She said, “it would be interesting”.  I said, “well, I’m not sure but let us see” [laughs].  She and I are very, very different. Plus, the age gap. So, there is difference, and she is very much her own woman which I appreciate….

[the spaces are] also an acknowledgement that we’re not friends. She’s not my family…. and what she wants from her life is very different from the things that I value. And that’s okay. Because the guiding principle is that she should be comfortable and okay … the peace and stability of the house for my guest has been the guiding principle, I would say … and really everything is secondary to that … And I think that’s okay. I am comfortable. She seems to be comfortable with that.’

Julia talked quite a bit about how she needed to find the balance that would work for both of them. Her background, as a drama therapist, was very helpful in her thinking of what to consider prior to Polina’s arrival. This experience helped her a lot also during Polina’s stay. For example, she talked about having a review every month on how Polina was getting on and on things she needed and wanted to say, as well as how she felt about ‘the space between’ them. From Julia’s perspective this was important because it was an ‘arrangement … It is a contract for her to have a place and for me to offer a place for a function, in a sense … So, yeah, I think we have done okay. I think we have done alright. And I would do it again with a break in between.’

Julia also shared the importance of boundaries and being very clear about private and shared spaces, even if at times this may feel uncomfortable. She shared ‘As a therapist, I know about boundaries, importance of boundaries … So I’m very clear about my boundaries; shared space, private space. Quiet house, I read a lot. I like to be on my own. I like solitude. All of that was laid out prior to her arrival … she came looking very small, very thin … She lost a lot of weight. And I would say to myself, “she is the same age as my daughters. I [need to] remember that.” And of course, trauma. She is behaving like a child in certain circumstances. Absolutely understandable. No problem at all. But I stuck with the boundaries because that’s what you have to do … And I imagine she has gained security from it as people do. You know, once people know what the rules are then they can play along.’

Another example of maintaining boundaries was what Julia referred to as ‘Kalashnikov talking’. Julia said that when Polina just arrived they did not have a joint language in which they could communicate well, however, Polina was very keen to talk. Julia said:

‘I had to sit here and listen for an hour and say, I am not sure if I can sit here any longer. Okay, I think I’m going to stop now. You know, and after she has been here for about a week, I said to her, “this evening I’m going to talk to you between 5 and 6 and I’m going to just sit there” … you know a lot of it was venting as they call it now, just letting her do it! And then Polina came up with this phrase “Kalashnikov talking” [she was referring to herself as ‘Kalashnikov’] … and I thought that was great. So, then that became part of our humour. And I would say, “Polina, Kalashnikov talking” … Because she realised that she was off her head, you know. She said, “I’ve never felt like this before. I don’t know what’s happening” … And you know, that is worthy of great sympathy.’

While people were not able to anticipate how much the meaning of their home would change, it significantly shaped their daily practices in ways that they were not always prepared for. For example, Paul and Louise, a couple in their 60s both recently retired, told us that they did not expect Ivanna, a woman staying with them, would spend so much time in the house. Prior to her arrival Ivanna told them about herself and things she liked doing. Based on those conversations they assumed she would be out and about, learning English, finding work, attending activities, going for walks, making friends. But Ivanna hardly did any of that. Instead, she spent a lot of time at home. This meant that Paul and Louise, being retired, and Ivanna, hanging around, all spent much time in the house.

This felt somewhat uncomfortable for Paul and Louise, so as a result they decided to spend time outside the house more often than they would otherwise, including eating meals out. Another woman, Jenny, shared that although the young woman staying with them worked full time, she did not seem to have many social activities and engagements outside work. This meant that Jenny and her partner were always the first point of reference for anything going on in young woman’s life. They really cared about her and wanted to support her, but sometimes it felt overwhelming, and the house felt somewhat cramped. It depended on whatever else was going on in their lives.

In this section we tried to convey how the meaning of home altered, emotionally and practically, for people that welcomed individuals and families from Ukraine. For some this occurred unanticipated, despite preparations. Quite a few of our research participants talked about the importance of everyone in the household feeling comfortable. Much of the time to feel comfortable was about finding ways within the shared space to negotiate differences that could derive from age, personal beliefs and values, daily practices, and so on. It seemed that the aspiration is to find ways in which household members could use but not dominate the shared physical and emotional space, including recognising the need for private space. This is something that was shared also by our research participants from Ukraine.

Julia finished talking about her drawing while sharing how she understood that which was opposite to hospitality. She called it ‘hostility’ and talked about the black lines at the edge of her drawing: ‘I suppose partly because I’m working in the hostile environment … with refugees from elsewhere. [It] makes me very angry, these policies, this hostility … This is not what Britain is ... What has been so interesting with Polina is the lack of a hostile environment. She applied for her visa and got it in 24 hours … it is totally unbelievable. And the Homes for Ukraine support at the council have been absolutely brilliant. You know, the whole thing, by comparison, it just feels like red carpet treatment … and I know that everybody coming from Ukraine has had various experiences. I do understand that Polina has been very fortunate comparatively to the other Ukrainians, [and that] … she was particularly speedily welcomed … so, I am not comparing like for like, but overall, it is difficult to know that I am participating in a scheme that is so unequal.’

Julia’s observation that the broader environment for people escaping persecution and conflicts from elsewhere is rather inhospitable, resulted in some sense of discomfort and it surfaced in other conversations we had with some of our research participants. At times these were also and further complicated by a sense of ‘frustration’. This is something we discuss more in Navigating differences section.